


drawing shapes so I don't carve away my skin

by K___Kelly



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Art, Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Caleb Widogast Has Issues, Caleb Widogast is a Mess, Could be read widojest but not the focus, Dark, F/M, Friendship, Gen, I love my hobo wizard way too much, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implies future widojest, Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast Friendship, Minor Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast, Multi, Sad Jester Lavorre, Self-Harm, This shit is dark, major trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-02-23 09:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23009233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K___Kelly/pseuds/K___Kelly
Summary: Modern AU, Jester decides to teach Caleb healthy coping mechanisms
Relationships: Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 3
Kudos: 89





	1. Light Bleeding Through a Door

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: There is explicit mention and description of self-harm. Stay safe.

The first time Beau and Jester saw Caleb Beau immediately pointed out his fingerless gloves and oversized glasses.She whispered to Jester,

“Fucking hipster.”

Jester looked over at him and frowned, his eyes were hiding, and she couldn’t make out their color behind the glasses and shadow of bangs.She noticed how his shoulders were slumped and his feet didn’t quite leave the ground between steps.Despite Beau’s initial judgment she immediately went up to him graphite pencil in one hand, half eaten pastry in the other.

“Hi, I’m Jester!”

He looked up clearly startled to see a girl with short blue hair cut stylishly, several piercings in each ear and an elegant tattoo adorning her slightly exposed chest.

“M-My name is Caleb Widogast”

“Nice to meet you Caleb”

That was how Jester found her first art student…well that’s how it started anyway.Once Beau was thoroughly convinced that Caleb was in fact not a ‘douchey hipster’ he and his little sister (adopted but it hardly mattered) were immediately welcomed into their close circle of friends.Fjord would usually refer to them all as a ‘motley crew’ and Jester loved it when he called them that. It sounded like they were a group of adventurers ready to take on all of life’s challenges instead of a bunch of mostly broke and directionless college students.Caleb didn’t ask to be her art student Jester insisted on it after she accidentally discovered why he always wore fingerless gloves and heavy leather bracelets around his wrists.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

One day she walked into Nott and Caleb’s apartment without knocking and called out to see if anyone was home.Nott had recently given her a spare key and Jester planned to use it liberally.

“Hello is anyone here?”

There was no response, but she could see light leaking from beneath the bedroom door.The door was cracked open, so, naturally, she went in.

“Cayyyleb”

She slowly pulled the door open and she saw Caleb staring blankly at the wall a penknife in one hand and a few paper towels spread across his desk.A small trickle of blood was dripping onto the paper towels.Her eyes traced the line of blood all the way from the desk to the shallow scratches on his wrist.

“Oh Caleb, no…”

She took a deep careful breath.

“Caleb please hand that to me, please.”

She extended her hand, small and trembling.

He didn’t move or react to her voice.She could see that the cuts weren’t deep, they clearly weren’t meant for long term or serious harm, but still her eyes clouded over with tears at the sight.

“Caleb!”

He finally looked up.

“Jester? Was? Why are you?”

He dropped the penknife and his eyes immediately locked onto his bloody wrist, he grabbed the paper towels and attempted to cover the damage.

“Don’t look! What are you doing? Why are you here? Don’t look please!”

She walked toward him and in a swift stealthy motion she swiped the knife off the desk and knelt down next to him so that he could no longer avoid her gaze.

“You know you shouldn’t be doing that.”

Her tone was not angry or accusing and by the time she spoke she had managed to swallow back the tears that had threatened to fall.He hung his head so that his tangle of hair effectively hid his face.

“Ja…Ja I know… I don’t…”

He trailed off and seemed unable to finish the thought.

“Here, I’m going to give you a hug now, okay?”

He nodded numbly in response.Very carefully and very gently she wrapped her arms around him, he was stiff and chilled, but not cold.She could feel the natural human warmth increasing even as he began shaking with realization.

“I didn’t mean…I’m not trying…I don’t know… _I don’t know_ …I had to…”

For a few minutes she stayed there without letting go and without saying anything.When she pulled away she saw the tears beginning to stream down his face which was twisted with… Anger? Pain? Regret? All of them at once.

“Here.”

Like magic she swept the bloody paper towels off the desk and into the nearby trash can. Out of sight but not quite out of mind.

“Let’s clean you up before Nott gets back.”

This time he nodded vigorously in response but was still unable to say any one of the hundreds of thoughts that she could see racing through his eyes. And instead of trying to get him to talk to her she decided to fill the silence with funny stories about her day, her studies, her projects, anything she could think of to try and pull him out of wherever he was even while she worked on cleaning and bandaging his wrist.

“…And then Professor Waccoh walked in right in the middle of the whole art lecture and said, ‘Who ate my brownie?’ and I shrunk down like super far into my chair because I didn’t know it was his brownie! And technically he shouldn’t be leaving food sitting out like that and the brownie just looked so lonely and it had sprinkles on top…”

At this point she had lost track of how long she had been chattering, sitting on the floor, just holding his hand and pointedly ignoring the bloody trashcan beside her or the weight of the penknife in her back pocket.

“Ah Jester.”

His voice came out soft and crackly. Disused.

“You should not be eating sweet things or any things you find sitting out in the student lounges, it could make you very sick.”

She breathed an internal sigh of relief and faked annoyance in response to his concern.

“Fiiiine I promise I won’t.”

“Gut.”

Silence hung for a split second. He carefully pulled his hand out of her grasp.

“And you too.”

“Was?”

She swallowed hard.

“Y-You have to promise you won’t do that again either.”

She said it firmly, and he smiled grimly down at her.

“If I promised that, I would be lying, and I cannot lie to you, Jester.”

Before she could respond they were interrupted by Nott’s return.

“Caleb I’m home! I brought Yeza with me! Is that okay?”

“Scheisse.”

Caleb immediately jumped up, but Jester was faster, closing and locking the bedroom door before calling out.

“Nott we’re in here but you can’t come in because uhhh...Caleb’s naked!”

Caleb dragged an exasperated hand across his face and stared up at the ceiling muttering incomprehensibly in German. There was a long pause before Nott responded hesitantly.

“A-Are you both naked?”

“Nononono just Caleb, he was helping me with uhh with my ummmm ANATOMY CLASS! Yes! I needed help with my art anatomy class so uh we’ll be out as soon we’re finished alsoooo…Hi Yeza!” Jester decided to poke her head out the door and wave at their friends.

“Hi.”

“Alrighty then, well me and Yeza are going to get some dinner do either of you want anything?” Nott squinted at her and was clearly not buying the story. She stretched her neck trying to see past Jester who was blocking any view of the bedroom with a ridiculous (but normal for Jester) pose.Jester smiled nervously and turned to Caleb.

“You hungry?”

He shook his head, Jester nodded and turned back to Nott and Yeza.

“Um yes actually Caleb would very much like some of those donuts from the new shop down the street the sprinkle ones and the blueberry cake ones but none of the stupid plain glazed ones Frumpkin really hates those.”

After that response and with no sign or sound from Caleb Nott seemed ready to try and push past Jester, but Yeza put a hand on her shoulder, gave her a gentle look and she reluctantly backed off. Still clearly worried, but no longer threatening to bowl Jester over.

“Right…well I’ll bring back the donuts for _Caleb_ and some pizza and ramen for anyone else who might want it.”

“Perfect okay buh-bye have so much fun you guys on your da-ate! Also, just so you know everything is super cool here no need to worry about anything just lots of studying and homework okay byeeee!”

She quickly shut the door in Nott’s glaring face and turned back toward her distressed friend whispering.

“Have you told Nott?”

“Nein.”

“Have you told anyone?”

Silence.

She leans against the door sliding until she’s sitting with her back up against it.

“This is really bad Caleb.”

He doesn’t respond, he hadn’t moved from his desk chair the whole time she was there.

“You have to tell Nott.”

He laughs, a small, horrible, joyless laugh.

“I cannot.”

“She loves you; she’s worried about you!”

“That is why I cannot, she should not have to worry about me.”

She muttered under breath in her low grumbly tone

“Well clearly she should.”

He either didn’t hear or chose not to respond to her comment.

“It is not so bad, I never go too far, I am not trying to…I truly enjoy being with you and Nott and all of your friends…”

She cut him off.

“Our friends! They’re your friends too!”

He nodded, but she knew he didn’t believe her. Angry tears filled her eyes.

“I have to tell her Caleb…”

“Please Jester…”

“Or at least I have to tell someone! I have to do something; I can’t just let you keep doing this!”

She gestured to his other wrist unbandaged, encircled by fine white lines that might have been drawn on his skin…

“Alright fine then, let’s make a deal I won’t tell Nott _if_ you agree to take art lessons with me.”

That response finally made him look at her, he finally really looked at her with wide blue eyes, and a look of pure confusion written on his features which was preferable to the frightening blankness from earlier.

“A-Art lessons?”

“Yup, I’m going to teach you how to draw some things and I promise not to say anything to Nott until you’re ready to talk about it with her, okay?”

“Ja that sounds good.”

“Good...also Caleb?”

“Ja?”

“Can you please promise to at least try?”

He clamped his hand around the bandaged wrist and grimaced at the slight pain.

“I always try.”


	2. Art Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has MUCH less angst and a bit more WidoJest sooo enjoy!

That was how Jester ended up with her first art student.They started as soon as possible, a couple days after they made the agreement Jester showed up at the apartment with a bag full of art supplies and an unopened package from Famazon.

“Cayyyyyleb”

She knocks on his door insistently and slowly it creaks open.She looks him over carefully as soon as the door is open wide enough to see.There are dark circles around both of his eyes and his hair has not been brushed, probably for days.He is wearing his usual fingerless gloves and heavy leather bracelets, so she can’t tell if things have gotten better or worse since the last time she saw him.

“Hello Jester.”

“Hi Caleb! Are you ready for your first art lesson with me?”

She forces herself to look at him squarely and not let her eyes wander down to his covered wrists.

“Ja, although I should warn you I am not very artistic that was always…”

He trails off and she resists the urge to press him to continue.

“That’s okay you’ll be great I’m sure anyone can do art, trust me.Okay, so first I’m going to teach you to draw faces cause that is like way more fun, and you’re lucky Caleb in art school they spent MONTHS teaching us to draw boring stuff like fruit and trees and my teachers were not impressed when my bananas had googly eyes and the trees had dicks hidden in them so I had to follow the instructions and be normal and boring, but the semester after that we learned how to sketch faces and that was SUPER interesting especially if you don’t want them to look real it’s way more fun to draw them all cartoony with like really big eyes and really small mouths or weird pointy chins or really like ANYTHING you can possibly imagine!”

Caleb nods, smiling a bit at Jester’s overabundance of enthusiasm.

“That sounds very interesting, do you have any of your old textbooks? I usually learn best by reading.”

She deflates a little at the mention of ‘textbooks’ but immediately perks back up and goes about setting up the supplies on his desk, creating a perfect little art station.

“Well yeah I do , buuuuut you really shouldn’t learn art just from books, art is the sort of thing you learn more by doing, so first we’re gonna do the art and later I’ll bring you some of my old books for you to read about it if you want.”

“That sounds gut.”

He nods again, his eyes are taking in the supplies sprawled across the pristine surface of his desk, there is no annoyance in his expression , if Jester had to guess she would say he is most likely trying to memorize the size, shape, and potential purpose of each item she brought.His quick, clever gaze is taking in the fine golden script marking pencils with numbers and letters, meaningless to him but quite familiar to her. 

“Perfect! Oh, don’t worry too much about all the different pencils we’re gonna start with just one or two but you can use any of the cool colors anytime you feel like it. Because technically…well most of the teachers only want you to use the graphite pencils unless we’re doing a special project, but my favorite professor, Artagan, says we should use color as MUCH as we want because ‘The world wasn’t meant to be experienced or captured in drab black and white’ you know?”

He laughs a little, a soft, genuine laugh.

“I do now I suppose.”

“Anywho I’m gonna give you a 4B pencil to start with its sort of in the middle not to dark or too soft just right almost exactly in the center so it’s good for when you’re not really sure what you’re drawing yet, unless...you already know what you want to draw?”

“Well uh…”

Jester immediately takes his hesitation as confirmation.

“Ooh so you do have a subject in mind. Is it me? Should I pose for you Caleb?”

She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively prompting Caleb to blush and look away muttering.

“No, uh actually I thought maybe I could do a sketch of Frumpkin?”

As soon as he hears his name Frumpkin pushes his way into the bedroom and settles himself down in between Caleb’s feet.Caleb instinctively reaches down to scritch between his ears, Frumpkin mews his content.

“Oh, Caleb that’s perfect!”

She leans down to coo at Frumpkin.

“Frumpy-wumpy you’re gonna be the best little kitty model for Caleb aren’t you?”

Frumpkin doesn’t even bat an eye in her direction.She pouts a little but refocuses on providing Caleb with the necessary supplies.

“Alright so this is your sketchbook and ooh I think you’ll love the putty erasers they’re super fun to play with whenever you get bored or worried about anything.”

Jester hands Caleb a beautiful leather-bound sketchbook and excitedly demonstrates the squishiness and pliability of the putty eraser, she molds it into a dick before handing it to him with the sketchbook. He looks down at the sketchbook and eraser with wide eyes.

“J-Jester this is far too much, you shouldn’t give all of this to me I don’t deserve it a-and it must have cost...”

She pushes it all into his hands and dismisses his concern with a wave of her hand.

“Don’t worry Caleb my Momma pays for all of my art supplies and she was more than happy to pay for yours too it’s really not a problem. Really, I promise.”

“Ah uh alright.”

He reverently opens the sketchbook lovingly running careful fingers along the edge of the finely made paper.

“Now what?”

“Now you hold the pencil like this.”

She puts her hand around his so she can guide his fingers into the proper position, he flinches but allows her to move them as she sees fit.

“Like so, and now you just draw what you see.”

He looks at her for further instruction.

“And?”

“And well if you’re doing like a portrait of Frumpkin then you should probably start with a sketch made up of just simple shapes, mmhmm yeah sort of like that! Wait, slow down Caleb don’t press so hard the lines should be super light so you can erase them later and don’t forget to use color whenever you need a little pizzazz!”

Hours passed like minutes and by the end of the first lesson Caleb had managed to make a rough sketch of Frumpkin all curled up like an orange stripey pillow.Caleb was reluctant to stray from the dark graphite but Jester managed to convince him to add a few lines of color here and there.

_“Won’t they be erased though so isn’t that rather pointless?”_

_“Well maybe? But who knows? It’s all up to you, you’re the artist.It’s your choice, you are in control Caleb.”_

_“My choice…”_

The first sketch had a few lines of orange and yellow and one unexpected splash of purple that Jester is especially proud of.

_“Purple? But Frumpkin is not even close to purple.”_

_“It doesn’t have to be like real life or anything Caleb it can be anything you want you don’t have to add purple if you don’t want to I just think it might look pretty cool.”_

Yup, the small tuft of purple that marks where Caleb has tried shading some fur onto Frumpkin’s tail is most definitely Jester’s favorite part of the sketch.

“Did you enjoy it Caleb?”

“Ja, I did.”

He smiles at her and his eyes crinkle a bit so this time she believes him.

“Oh, and Caleb these are yours too, they're for umm the next time…you know… they're supposed to help...it’s something else you can do to your wrists or arms whenever it gets too hard...or even just for fun if you want to.”

She hands him the unopened Famazon package and he takes it, but he doesn’t look at her.She sees the look of pain that crosses his eyes the minute she alludes to his previous…episode.He sighs deeply and opens the package.

“Thank you Jester…umm what are they?”

“Here take off your glove.”

He removes one glove reluctantly and she pulls out a pink marker and demonstrates by drawing a toothy grinning face on the back of his right hand.

“See? They’re called body markers my Mom used to get them from the craft store in the summertime, you can draw anywhere on your skin except for like your eyes and maybe not on your dick…but you can use them to draw on your arms and wrists instead of…you know…hurting them or anything.”

He nods understanding.

“I see, I-thank you-I will do my best to use them…I promise.”

She hugs him firmly.

“Good, and you better keep practicing until our next lesson!”

“I will.”

She doesn’t want to leave yet. Partially because she’s still worried about him, but also because she genuinely enjoys spending time with him. She continues to delay her departure teasing him gently.

“You better, I’ll know if you don’t practice.”

“Don’t worry I am a good student.”

“I know you are Caleb.”

“Good-bye Jester.”

“See you later!”

He hesitates before closing the door behind her.

“Wait, uh, same time next week?”

She stops and turns back toward him playfully responding.

“Ja.”

Before making her way down and out of the rundown apartment complex.


	3. Three Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healing isn't linear and neither are relationships

For weeks Jester and Caleb worked on art projects together. They never quite settle on a consistent date since both of their schedules are pretty sporadic.His lines are becoming more more sure and he continues to sketch Frumpkin in a variety of poses. Jester notices a difference not only in his art but in his overall demeanor. It takes much less coaxing to get him to go out and spend time with their friends, he’s less likely to spend lunchtime holed up in the library and she gets to see his eyes smile much more often. 

Towards the end of the semester Caleb is nominated for an academic award, which isn’t surprising given his dedication and natural intelligence. He receives the news via an email and initially keeps it to himself, but the teacher in his one liberal arts class, Professor Vysoren offers her congratulations in front of the whole class. Going so far as to invite him to the podium to share the topic of his junior thesis which earned him the nomination.

“H-Hello m-my project I mean my thesis is a uh a-a cross-discipline study on the theory of manipulation combining research in organic chemistry, biochemistry, and psychology.I have to thank my sister Nott for her uh help with the psychology portion since uh that is not my ah area of expertise…”

He looks up at the roomful of students and Professor Vysoren watching and listening to him and immediately trails off into silence. 

“Well thank you Mr. Widogast, you are an extremely **bright…** ”

Caleb flinches, but catches himself and focuses on keeping his breathing even.

“…student and your work **stands out…** _”_

He can feel himself starting to hyperventilate.

_“…_ impressively even outside your field of study.”

She turns to the class, “Also, before we get started I’d like to announce that I have appointed Mr. Widogast as the student tutor for this class go to him if you have any difficulty with assignments.”

Caleb remembers getting an email from Professor Vysoren asking if he would willing to work as a student tutor, she cited the request as a resume building opportunity that would make him prime material for assistant teaching positions in his senior year and during his graduate studies. He also remembers responding to the email accepting the job , but now hearing her announce his position makes him sick.The whole thing seems familiar like the worst kind of deja vu. He looks at Professor Vysoren silently begging to return to his seat. She nods and he escapes to the back of the classroom sinking low in his seat and falling deeper and deeper into unpleasant memories.

Usually after his English class Jester will meet him on her way to the cafeteria where they meet up with the rest of their usual crew. This time he doesn’t wait for her instead he gets up as soon as the class is over and heads back to his dorm.Nott comes back late that night and knocks on his door.

“Caleb are you home?”

Silence.

“Caleb? We missed you at lunch…”

No answer.

“Are you sleeping?”

He holds his breath.

“Okay well…good night.”

Caleb is sitting at his desk in the dark fists clenching and unclenching. Fingers dancing with sparks and stained with blood.

————————————-

For the next few weeks Caleb goes out of his way to avoid Jester.This continue until Beau catches him in the hallway after his last class and pins him to the wall.

“What the fuck Widogast why are you being an asshole to my roommate?”

“Was?”

“You’ve been avoiding Jester and yesterday she came home crying asking what she did wrong and I told her that she didn’t do anything and you’re the one being a complete dick!”

“I-I-I well I…”

“Where the fuck have you been?”

“I couldn’t I broke our promise I couldn’t face her I’m sorry I didn’t mean…I didn’t meant to upset to…to make her cry…”

“Well you did and what do you mean about a promise?”

“I-I can’t I am sorry.”

She shoves him away but not so roughly that he can’t catch his balance.“Whatever man just talk to her.”

“I don’t know where she is I think she might still be in her classes.”

“Weak excuse she’s in our dorm c’mon did you really think I wouldn’t know my roommate’s class schedule?”

He rubs his arms nodding, “I will go speak with her.”

“You fucking better.”

He looks over his shoulder as he walks out of the hall, Beau is still glaring at him and…following him. Scheisse he is not going to be able to get out of this.His prediction is correct since Beau follows him all the way back to the girls’ dorm. She leans against the wall right outside the door and watches him as he knocks on the door.Jesters answers the door almost immediately.

“Caleb?” Her eyes go wide seeing him but her gaze quickly falls.

“Jester, I am here to speak to you.”

“Caleb are you okay?…Are we still friends?”

“Jester I m not very good at that. I have already hurt you and I don’t want that to happen again it’s better if I stay away.”

“Caleb.”

She just says his name but the tone is so serious and there’s a such an undercurrent of concern and deep disappointment. Far bluer than her skin or hair.

That’s why when Jester moves to invite him in he silently accepts. She still isn’t looking at him directly. Her hands are twistng the fabric of her skirt nervously as Caleb slowly follows her inside. He looks over his shoulder as she shuts the door behind him and Beau is still glaring at him but she gives him a reluctant thumbs up.Mouthing _Good luck Widogast._


End file.
